


Like I'm Gonna Lose You

by somethingnerdythiswaycomes



Series: Chasing A Starlight (Chronology) [2]
Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - BDSM, Caretaking, Cuddling & Snuggling, D/s AU, Long-Distance Friendship, M/M, Non-Sexual Kink, Non-Sexual Submission, Pining, Subdrop - reference
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-08
Updated: 2016-01-30
Packaged: 2018-05-12 13:07:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5667157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/somethingnerdythiswaycomes/pseuds/somethingnerdythiswaycomes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Paul didn't say anything before Borts was traded.  Paul didn’t need to worry before then.  Well.  Paul’s a worrier; it’s not like he can just stop.  Even though James is in Nashville, with Doms on his team to look after him, Paul can’t help but worry about him.  It’s really not a surprise that he worries about the subs on his own team, too.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. You Pulled Me Close

**Author's Note:**

> The first chapter in my ridiculous epic about Caretaking Dom!Paul Martin and Cuddly sub!Beau Bennett.
> 
> Rating is currently T, but there will be explicit chapters later on. Tags may also be added to reflect the content.
> 
> I do not represent the real people presented as characters in this fic, nor do I make any claims about what they do or do not do in their private lives.

Paul doesn’t say anything until Borts gets traded.

It’s not his place to, not really, even if he’s taken on that role of looking out for the uncollared subs on the team.  Well, taking care of the ones that don’t have anyone else and don’t go to Sid first.  Borts’s been taking care of Beau, or at least, he hasn’t been letting him drop.  Borts tells Paul about it, sometimes.  Looking for approval, maybe, from an older Dom.  Borts’ll cook for Beau, give him a few orders to take him through the day, have Beau kneel for him in the living room.  Every so often, tie him up, loop a rope harness over his clothes to give Beau some sort of pressure, a Dom’s presence on him, if he needs a little extra.

So Paul didn’t worry.  Well.  Paul’s a worrier; it’s not like he can just _stop_.  Even though James is in Nashville, with Doms on his team to look after him, Paul can’t help but worry about him.  It’s really not a surprise that he worries about the subs on his own team, too.

But Paul hasn’t heard of any other Doms that Beau’s been with, while he’s in Pittsburgh.  The guys tend to tell Paul this stuff.  And he knows that Downie’s been taking up most of Sid’s time.

Paul says something.  He finds Beau in the locker room after practice, a couple days after the dust has settled.

“I’ll walk you to your car,” he says, bag slung over his shoulder.  Beau nods right away, putting his coat on and grabbing his bag.  They walk out together, arms nearly brushing.  The rest of the guys leave them alone.

“It must be hard without Borts,” Paul says, careful to keep his voice neutral.

Beau shrugs.

“It hurts when your close friends are traded away,” Paul continues, and waits for Beau’s nod before saying, “And he was a little more than your friend, wasn’t he?”

“We weren’t—” Beau starts, and then stops.  He sighs.

“Just because there’s no romantic feelings there doesn’t mean that it’s not important,” Paul says kindly.  “Believe me, I know that better than most of the guys here.”

“You and Nealer?”

Paul nods.  “I took care of him.  We never slept together, never did anything sexual.  But he could go down for me whenever he needed to.”

“Yeah,” Beau says.  It was the same for him and Borts, then.  Paul had wondered, a couple of times, if Borts was just too embarrassed to tell Paul about what they got up to in the bedroom.

“I can do that for you, now, if you want.”

Beau looks at him then, eyes wide, cheeks a little flushed.  “Huh?”

Paul keeps his face impassive.  “If you need someone to go down for, to get orders from, hell, to cook for you, let me know, okay?  I like knowing the subs on the team are taken care of.”

Beau wets his lips and nods.  “Yeah, Paul.  Thanks.”

Paul smiles and touches Beau’s shoulder gently.  “Of course.

And that’s that.

 

.oOo.

 

Beau doesn’t take him up on his offer for another two weeks.  Paul doesn’t pushed him – it’s impolite to go up to a sub and tell them they need to go down, especially when you haven’t collared them.  He can see Beau starting to wear thin, though, how he clings to Sid’s direction during practices.

If Beau actually started to endanger himself, Paul would step in.  But he hasn’t, so Paul doesn’t.

And Beau does come to him eventually, keeping his eyes down and sliding into Paul’s personal space.  He presses his shoulder to Paul’s, says quietly, “Can you take care of me?”

“Of course,” Paul replies, placing his hand lightly on the center of Beau’s back.  He knows how to handle this, a sub close to breaking, and even though Beau isn’t James, he can still take care of him.  “What do you need?”

“I,” Beau starts, then licks his lips.  “I need to kneel, but my leg…”

Paul’s seen him ducking in to see the trainers over the last week, some sort of soreness in his thigh.  Paul won’t let him kneel and hurt himself more.

“I know exactly what to do,” Paul murmurs, leaning in close to Beau.  “You’ll be all right.”

Beau smiles at him, and Paul smiles back. 

“Drive over to my place,” Paul says, and lets go of him.  Beau doesn’t look as unsure, now, even when he’s listing towards Paul.  “I’ll leave the door unlocked, so just go in when you get there.”

“Okay,” Beau replies, and goes to finish changing.

Paul’s already finished, so he leaves, climbing into his car and carefully driving home.

In the NHL, subs tend to be either combative or pliant.  Paul’s seen what Beau’s like in practice, and he’s heard enough from Borts to confirm which side of that divide that Beau is on.

The last sub he’s been with that went down easy was James.  As soon as he thinks it, Paul shakes his head and throws the thought away.  He has to stop comparing them; they’re different subs, and he doesn’t feel the same about them.

James was, is, his friend.  There hadn’t been a hint of anything but platonic affection between them.  Paul can’t exactly say the same thing about Beau.

But he promised to take care of him, not to indulge in every fantasy he’s had, all the ways he’s thought about taking Beau apart.  He’s not going to betray the trust that Beau is putting in him.

It doesn’t take him that long to get home, when he’s enveloped in thoughts of what he can do, and what he won’t do, with Beau.  All Beau wants is to kneel for him.  He can do that.

Once he gets inside, Paul unlocks the front door and heads into the kitchen.  Beau’s young, and they just practiced; he’ll want something to eat.  It’s a matter of minutes to slice up some fruit and cheese and put it all on a plate.  He brings it out to the living room with a couple bottles of water, pulling up short when he sees Beau standing in the foyer.

“I didn’t hear you,” Paul says, putting the food and water down on the coffee table.  “Come over here.”

Beau swallows and walks into the living room, stopping about a foot in front of Paul.

Paul reaches out, gently grabbing hold of Beau’s wrist.  Beau shudders, his eyes falling shut.

“Do you want something to eat first?” Paul asks softly.  “Or I can feed you.”

“Feed me, please,” Beau rasps.

Paul nods and sits down, pulling Beau closer by his wrist.  “Lie down on the couch, with your head on my lap.”

Beau does, immediately, not even a split-second of hesitation.  He curls up on the half of the couch Paul left him, toes pressed to the armrest.  He lays his head on Paul’s thighs, still tense, until Paul drops his hand on Beau’s head.

Beau lets out a breath; Paul can see his shoulders relaxing.

“Good like this?” Paul asks, just to be sure.  “Comfortable?”

“Yes, Sir,” Beau murmurs, rubbing his cheek against the firm muscle of Paul’s thigh.

“Good,” Paul says, carding his fingers through Beau’s hair.  “Let me know when you want something to eat.”

Beau hums, but doesn’t say anything.  Paul doesn’t push him to.  He’s seen James –

No.  He pets Beau’s hair and focuses on him.

He traces his other hand down Beau’s neck, over his shoulder.  He does what he can to smooth every bit of tension out of Beau, make sure that he’s doing everything that Beau needs.

“Can I have something to eat?” Beau asks, his words a little slurred.

“Of course,” Paul replies, picking up the plate and holding a piece of apple to Beau’s lips.  Beau opens his mouth, making no move to actually lean forward and bite the fruit.  Paul smiles to himself and pops it into Beau’s mouth.  He chews and swallows, then opens his mouth for more.  Paul gives him a piece of cheese, this time.

Beau chews it, but before Paul can pick up another piece, Beau squirms against him and says, “Can you…”

Paul waits for the rest of the question.  It doesn’t come.

“Whatever you want,” Paul says, brushing Beau’s hair back from his face.

Beau makes a soft noise.  “That.”

“You want me to keep touching your hair?”

“Yes, Sir.”

“Do you want more to eat?”

“Yes, Sir.”

Paul purses his lips.  It might be a little harder, but he can put the plate on the arm of the couch, and use one hand to feed him and the other to touch him.  He does just that; Beau sighs as soon as Paul’s hand slides into his hair again.

“You like that, hmm?” Paul whispers, picking up another piece of apple.

“Yes, Sir,” Beau breathes.  Paul nudges the apple against his lips, until Beau opens up and lets Paul place it in his mouth.

Paul smiles and scritches his scalp, like he’s done to teammates’ dogs.  Beau makes a noise in the back of his throat and pushes into Paul’s hand.

He could get used to this, and that’s dangerous in its own way.

 

.oOo.

 

Paul and James have had a regular skype date set since they’d had to face that James wasn’t going to be coming back to Pittsburgh.  It was weird, going from daily breakfasts to twice-weekly calls, but it’s the best they can do.

“So what’ve you been up to?” James asks, slurping from a bowl of soup.  It’s about one, now, and Paul’s proud of James for eating lunch at the right time.

“Nothing much,” Paul shrugs, putting the finishing touches on a sandwich.  “Practice, games.”

“Hmmm,” James hums, narrowing his eyes at his laptop.  Paul raises an eyebrow.  “There’s something up with you, Paulie.  I can tell.”

Paul rolls his eyes.  “There’s nothing ‘up.’”

James stares at him, that same concentrated look on his face.  He’s actually a little concerned James’ll figure it out.  No one knows him better than James, after all.

“You haven’t asked me if I’m eating all right yet,” James proclaims.

“…Maybe I just trust in your ability to take care of yourself.”

“We both know that’s bullshit.”

Paul laughs.  It’s true.

“So where’d you meet her?”

Paul stares at James on the screen.  “What?”

“The sub you’re playing with.  You’ve _definitely_ Dommed someone recently, and I know it wasn’t me.  So?”

“There isn’t a new sub,” Paul says.  Technically it’s true.  Beau isn’t new; he’s been around for a while.  Paul just hasn’t been taking care of him that whole time.

“Then it’s someone you already knew,” James says.  Paul curses mentally.  “And if you know them, I know them.”

“James,” Paul warns.

“It’s someone on the team, isn’t it?” James asks excitedly.  “C’mon, Paulie, I’m gonna guess, just tell me!”

Paul stubbornly clenches his jaw.

“Well there’s only a couple subs on the team,” James says, and honest to God starts ticking them off on his fingers.  “Downie, but he’s been playing with Sid, right?  Lapierre, Flower, Sunshine—”

Paul ducks his head.

“Shit, really, Paulie?  You went for the _kid_?”

“I didn’t go for him,” Paul snaps.  “Borts had been Domming him, and Borts got traded.  I said I would help him if he needed it.”

“So you, what, slept with him?  You can take him down some other way, Paulie.”

“I didn’t—” Paul sucks in a breath, trying to calm down.  “I didn’t _fuck him_ , James.  I did what I always did for you.  He laid on the couch, I fed him, and I sent him home.”

“But you want to fuck him,” James pointed out.  Paul flushed.  “You old pervert!”

“I’m not _that_ old,” Paul grumbled, and took a bite of his sandwich.

“For what it’s worth, Sunshine could’ve gone to Sid if he needed someone.  No offense, but I don’t think most people think of _you_ as the Dom to take them down.”

Paul shrugs.  It’s true, most people don’t think of him as a casual or short term Dom.  He’s accepted it.

“So, you know, maybe he’d be into it.”

Paul flushed.  “James.”

James holds up his hands.  “Just sayin’, Paul.  You’re a total catch, you can totally snatch up Sunshine.”

“Thanks,” Paul says quietly.  “You’ll find someone, too, you know.”

“I know,” James replies cockily, but he’s smiling sweetly.  “I’m a total babe.”

Paul laughs, and they talk about something else.  It’s weird, having James on the other side of an internet connection instead of climbing on top of him, but it’s fine, now.  He’s got enough to deal with, worrying about Beau.


	2. A Breath of Relief

Paulie doesn’t push, even when he wants to.  He can’t fight his friends like he can fight on the ice.  Well, he can, but he doesn’t like it.

So he doesn’t push Beau, when he doesn’t approach Paulie again.  It’s hard, of course.  There’s two sides of his instincts pushing him to do opposite things.  The half of him that cares for Beau wants to push him to his knees in the middle of the locker room and keep him there until he’s relaxed and smiling again.  The half of him that respects people wants him to leave Beau alone, watch out for him but not try to help him until Beau asks for it.

It’s _so hard_.  James makes fun of him every time they talk, asking about Beau, and whether Paulie’s gotten him to sign a contract yet.  He hesitates before taking James’s Skype calls, now, and before looking at his texts.

And he’s always said – he’ll leave Beau alone, until Beau puts himself in danger.  He’s getting close to that, now.

Typically, a sub needs to go down about once a week to really keep an even keel.  For subs under a lot of stress, like Beau, it needs to be at least twice that.  It’s been more than two weeks since Beau went down for Paulie, and that was just pseudo-kneeling.  It wasn’t enough to really throw him into subspace, and it won’t be enough to sustain him for a long time.

“Beau,” Paulie says quietly, going up to him in the locker room.  “Do you want to come over for lunch?”

Even with his instincts screaming at him to _make_ Beau come with him, he still has to ask.

“Sure,” Beau says, sounds a little faint.  Paulie nods sharply. He wants to reach out and touch Beau, but he can’t.  He wouldn’t be able to deal with Beau swaying into him and leaning into his touch, not when it’s been two weeks since he Dommed someone, too.

“Do you want to drive yourself or do you want to ride with me?”

“Ride with you,” Beau replies immediately.  Paulie nods again and picks up Beau’s bag.  It’s the best he can do, to satisfy that clawing part of him without being too _possessive._

Beau doesn’t protest, and Paulie doesn’t know if that means that he’s okay with it, maybe even likes it, or if he’s just too far gone to complain.

“What do you want for lunch?” Paulie asks, once they’re in his car and he’s pulling out of the lot.

Beau mumbles something indistinct and shrugs.

“Do you want me to pick?” Paulie doesn’t want to – it feels almost like crossing a line.  But it’s not like he hasn’t done it for his subs before.

“Yes, please,” Beau says quietly.

“I’ll make some sandwiches,” Paulie tells him.  “I’ve got ham and swiss.  Do you like mustard?”

“Yeah.”

“What about to drink? I’ve got juice—”

“Sir,” Beau rasps, and it makes Paulie’s hands tighten on the steering wheel.  “I want you to pick.  I know you can tell.”

Paulie’s cheeks flame red.  “I don’t want to overstep my bounds.”

Beau smiles, soft around the edges, leaning over to nuzzle against Paulie’s shoulder when they’re stopped at a red light.  “Then we’ll set boundaries.  After.”

Paulie licks his lips nervously.  He wonders when Beau got so mature about this.

 

.oOo.

 

They’re curled up on the couch like they had been two weeks ago, Beau’s head on Paulie’s lap, one of his hands buried in Beau’s hair and the other feeding him bites of sandwich.

“Are you thirsty?” Paulie asks quietly.

“No, ‘m fine,” Beau murmurs, pressing his cheek to Paulie’s thigh.  “Thank you.”

“Are you ready to talk?”

Beau rolls over, so he’s facing up at Paulie.  “If you want to.”

“I just want to make sure you’re taken care of,” Paulie tells him, playing with the shaggy ends of Beau’s hair.  “I know how to take care of subs, generally, but I don’t know how to take care of _you._ ”

“I think you’re doing a great job.”

Paulie snorts.  “And that’s why you stay away until you absolutely can’t anymore?”

Beau flushes and looks away.  “I didn’t want to, y’know, be a burden.”

“You’re not,” Paulie says firmly.  “You couldn’t be.”

Beau’s lips twist.  “Borts never told me I was, either, but sometimes I could tell.  It was like a chore.  Wash the dishes, take out the trash, put Beau down for an hour.”

“Borts talked to me about Domming you,” Paulie tells him.  He’s not sure if Borts would be okay with him telling Beau, but right now he’s got nothing to lose.  “He was nervous about doing it right.  He asked for my advice, and he’d tell me how he was taking care of you.  He didn’t think it was a hardship, Beau.”

“Just because he didn’t say it didn’t mean he wasn’t thinking it,” Beau says stubbornly.  He’s almost glaring up at Paulie now.

“Well I’m saying that it’s not a hardship for me, Beau,” Paulie says.  Maybe saying it enough will get Beau to believe it.  “If it was ever a chore for me, I’d tell you.”

“Do you promise?” Beau asks, looking as vulnerable as Paulie has ever seen him.

“I promise, Beau.”

Beau nods, and relaxes back into Paulie’s lap, curling up so his knees are pressed to the back of the couch and his face is mashed to Paulie’s stomach.  Paulie runs his hand through the hair on the back of Beau’s head, not sure what else to do.  Beau hasn’t told him anything else he wants, anything else he needs, and Paulie doesn’t know what to do.

But he’s confident Beau will tell him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY amirite?
> 
> also working on the next chapter of this rn #productivity

**Author's Note:**

> what the fuck am i even doing man
> 
> fic title/chapter titles taken from "Like I'm Gonna Lose You" by Meghan Trainor feat. John Legend
> 
> join me in sin on tumblr @ somethingnerdythiswaycomes


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